The Cuckoo Clock 
Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told the misses that I would be home by midnight...promise! 
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy, at around 3 A.M. drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. 
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. 
Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. 
When I asked her why she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'oh fuck,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then farted.

I was invited out for a night with the boys... = my friends made a farewell party for me outside my home

the misses = wife

down way = down

STRESS MANAGEMENT:
Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are singing in the cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called the world. The quiet sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.

stress management - управление стрессом

a stream - a small river

to bother = to disturb, to make nervous, to upset

total = absolute, full

make out = imagine, picture in our mind

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.
"What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e." St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. "I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?" St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her, when low and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia!" 

Did I really make it to heaven? - Я что - правда попала на небеса?

to spell  - сказать по буквам, грамотно написать

spelling - орфография

to respond, to reply = to answer

  Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come." 
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." 
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin." 
"Not a problem...after 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them." 
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin, too." 
Damn, Sam thinks...tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." 
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." 
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear to the party?" 
Enoch stops in the door again and says "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us."

Vermonter = somebody who lives in the American state of Vermont

gonna = going to (everyday speech)

Gotta warn you = I've got to warn you = I must warn you (everyday speech)

drinkin', fightin' = drinking, fighting

starts to leave - собирается уходить